That back-and-forth — almost acting out, then pulling back — has a name, and it can become its own trap. Here's why edging hooks you, and how to break the loop.

When working with my clients in sex addiction recovery, the most common feedback I receive concerns their behavior that just teeters back and forth around their addiction. I refer to this as "edging." Perhaps they are not looking directly at online pornography or not quite yet acting out sexually with another person…but, they are dangerously close and tend to stay in that zone for quite some time. If you are familiar with 12-step terminology, sometimes this is referred to as "acting in" rather than "acting out."

What 'Edging' Actually Is

What is Edging?

So, what is edging in this context? It can mean something and look different to many people (i.e. delaying orgasm) but for the purposes of this brief narrative, I will simply refer to it as skirting around one's compulsive sexual behavior, counterproductive to their sex addiction recovery, without actually diving all the way in. I also prefer to think of it on a color scale — green, yellow, and red.

You may know this by a different name. Online, the same loop often travels as "gooning" or "chasing" — words my clients bring into session more and more often. The label matters far less to me than the pattern underneath it: staying in the pursuit, deliberately, for as long as you can hold it there.

Green = Doing well with no compulsive impulses. In control.

Yellow = Triggered and (un)consciously bantering back and forth between green and red.

Red = You're in the danger zone and acting out sexually.

Edging falls in the yellow zone and it's common to prefer to draw out this middle behavior because you're still getting the high but without all of the guilt and shame that's just around the corner.

A few of my clients in sex addiction recovery were kind enough to share with me what edging means and looks to them:

* "Almost, but not quite."

* Looking at non-nude imagery like bikinis or underwear

* Surfing the Internet too long and watching provocative YouTube videos

* Fantasizing but not doing

* Starting the engines

* Masturbating but not allowing oneself to orgasm

* Letting your "addict" tell you it's okay…it's not really acting out

Edging need not be of a sexual nature. Self-inflicted negative behavior too can be part of your addiction ritual and may eventually lead to your acting out. Examples may be:

* Procrastinating

* Resisting doing good things for yourself or others

* Not following through with friends or social engagements

Why Edging Becomes Addictive

Edging and Triggers?

Are edging and being sexually triggered one and the same? I tend to think of edging as taking your triggers out for a spin…in other words, they are triggers in motion. If you are triggered by boredom and unstructured time, edging could look like the aforementioned not following through with social opportunities. If you are triggered by pornographic images of dominant women and you spend time online looking at female wrestling or MMA fights, that too could be edging.

There is a piece of research that lines up with what I see in the room. A small brain-imaging study at Cambridge compared 19 men who had compulsive sexual behavior with 19 who did not, and found that the compulsive group reported greater desire for the material without greater liking of it — wanting and enjoying had come apart (Voon et al., PLOS ONE, 2014). Nineteen men is a small sample and I would not build a life on it, but it does name the thing edging does to you: you can stay in the wanting for hours and never arrive at the part you thought you were after.

Does edging count as a relapse?

Most people who ask me that are hoping I will say no. My honest answer is that it depends on the commitment you made: if the sobriety you defined for yourself includes not going looking for the high at all, then yes, edging breaks it. But I think the question is the wrong shape. On the color scale above, edging is yellow, not red — and treating yellow as "not a relapse, so I am fine" is very often how yellow becomes red. Yellow is where red gets decided.

So instead of grading it, I would ask a more useful question: what was going on right before I started? That is the answer that changes anything. A slip you can name is a slip you can work with. A slip you argue your way out of tends to come back bigger.

How to Stop the Edging Cycle

What to do if you are edging

The key to making any positive change in your life, no matter the behavior, begins with awareness. Once you have become aware that you are in that yellow zone behavior, you then have some (tough) decisions to make. The good news is that there are many sex addiction recovery tools in your proverbial tool belt ready for action. And if one of those tough decisions is whether to keep doing this on your own, that is exactly what working with a sex addiction therapist is for.

* Journaling — perhaps one of the strongest and most effective actions to take is to journal your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you're already familiar with Breaking the Cycle, then you take it journaling a bit further by separating or externalizing the addictive part of your personality and actually dialogue with that part.

* Mindfulness Practices — working mindfully with edging provides creating mental space between the thoughts and the part of you watching your thoughts. Meditation, yoga, and prayer are just a few examples of sitting silently with compulsive energy.

* Be Accountable — do not isolate or withdraw when you notice your edging antics. Take a walk, call a friend, make plans, follow through…take action.

Learn more and start your sex addiction recovery at Neulia Compulsion Solutions today.