Porn addiction and sex addiction experts from Compulsion Solutions answer your most pressing questions. We’ll answer your question too… e-mail Porn Doc.

Dear Porn Doc:
My wife wants to watch porn with me. Perfect, right? Why I am so turned off by this? We tried once or twice but I was so petrified and closed off. I am so accustomed to watching porn for getting off, for letting off steam, that it never seemed meant to share.

Porn Doc:
Your response to actually sharing your porn or fantasy life with your partner is common … for a person who struggles with a porn addiction. Think about how long you have looked at porn. Did you ever watch it with a girlfriend or somebody who mattered to you? As a porn addict, your sex life is fantasy and masturbation, not to share yourself sexually with another person, especially somebody special. The porn is compartmentalized.

When you looked at porn in the past, did you often feel a lot of shame? Many addicts find their behavior shameful, embarrassing, and cringe at the idea of others knowing their “secret.” If people really found out what you looked at online or fantasized about, they’d reject you. Now you are married to someone who wants to engage with you in this manner. It does make sense that you would have a reaction to this. Perhaps you can use this opportunity to open up to her as to why you find it difficult to talk about your behavior. How much does she really know? If you are not already in counseling for this, you should consider getting some support to help you sort through all of this and to help you learn to unburden yourself of this secret.

Dear Porn Doc:
My wife wants to know about the porn that I’ve been watching, but I don’t want her to see it. What should I do?

Porn Doc:
It depends. I’m not sure if your wife has caught you, is upset, and demanding to see what you are looking at or if she is merely open and interested.  If the former, then you are being forced into a corner and need to make a decision. Is there an ultimatum on the table? If the latter, then again you need to make a decision on how to address this with her. Regardless of your situation, there is an opportunity (albeit awkward for you at the moment) to create a deeper honesty and dialogue in your marriage. A big part of porn addiction is the secrecy and withholding that keeps the behavior in charge of you. You can make this a whole lot worse by continuing to lie and cover up or you can take the risk of telling her—and you—the truth.

Investigate the pros and cons of telling her. If this has been a lifelong problem for you, then I encourage you to seek professional help in dealing with this behavior and learning how to deepen the honesty and intimacy in your marriage.