The Porn Doc Is In! Answers To Your Questions About Porn Addiction—3rd Edition

Porn addiction and sex addiction experts answer your most pressing questions. We’ll answer your question too… e-mail Porn Doc.

 
Dear Porn Doc
:
One of my biggest problems isn’t necessarily looking at porn…but rather looking at women—a lot. In fact, I am often not even aware that I am doing it and have really gotten into trouble with both my current girlfriend as well as in past relationships. What are some tips in stopping this?

 

Porn Doc:
You have a “looker.” In fact, most men are visual creatures anyway, but when you also struggle with compulsive sexual behavior, the looking takes on more of an obsessive quality. “I can’t stop looking.” “If I don’t look, I’ll miss out on something.” To bring a deeper awareness to your looking, I recommend the following interventions as some short-term solutions:

1. The Two-Second Rule—A simple intervention is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then they are aware that they are crossing the line.

2. Other Women’s Body Parts Aren’t My Business—Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s their job. Or they might worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder—or mantra—is to remind yourself that the woman who has caught your attention is none of your business; she does not know you; she did not wear those clothes for you; she does not welcome you. You need not look.

3. She Is A Person—Obsessive looking usually involves objectifying. Notice your language when you’re looking and what you are saying (internally or out loud). You may be saying to yourself something like: “Look at those breasts!” “Look at that butt, those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that she is a person by lending her some humanity. She is somebody’s daughter. She is somebody’s sister. She is somebody’s mother. She is somebody. Not an object.

You need not be a heterosexual male to use this. We have many gay clients too who look at other men in much the same way and find these interventions useful too.
We invite you to look at our blog on this very topic at addictionblog.org for more information.

 

Dear Porn Doc,
I find myself looking at more and more explicit porn sites. I’m starting to become fascinated with transsexuals and find this confusing as I identify as a straight male. I’m married. I have gone as far as to call some local tranny escorts to make an appointment…but I never show up. Why am I doing this stuff?

 

Porn Doc:
We could spend quite a bit of time here as you leave a lot to discuss. First, I am assuming you are talking about male-to-female transsexuals who have decided to keep their male genitalia (pre-op). To keep it short, porn and sex addiction has a sort of shelf life—what we find new and interesting becomes “normal” after awhile and we then need to up the ante, so to speak. For you, transsexuals may represent the newest taboo subject that appeals to your addict. The popularity of fantasy and fetish sites certainly supports the notion that people who visit porn sites need to continue to view something new and different. Transsexuals also represent a “safe” way to explore homoerotic fantasies. This is a way to be sexual with a person who identifies as female and has female “parts” but also has male genitals (a penis). Regardless, the fact that you are married and acting out sexually with porn and escorts reflects addictive behavior and will likely hurt you and your family. I sincerely hope you decide to seek help in this matter.

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