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The Girl That Got Away, Well ... Kind Of (A Client Dialog)

The Girl That Got Away, Well ... Kind Of (A Client Dialog)

My work with one of my clients has involved his dreams. This guy has a lot of them. And, as you will see below, they're not always easy. My instruction to him has been to dialogue with them. Go after them. This way he can shed light on the mental and emotional parts that produce sexually compulsive behavior.

Like the characters or actors in a story or movie, every one of us has immature complexes or sub-personalities within ourselves that might never grow up if we don't learn to see what they are up to and then manipulate those hidden thoughts into more mature considerations and actions. We are not responsible for our thoughts or dreams, but we are responsible for what we do next.

This client shows us how to do the next right thing. From the dialog below you will see how he did that. He is changing his mind by with his dialog work instead of agonizing over what were just bad dreams. The agonizing only led to further acting out and continued misery.

Several times a month I dream about a girl from my senior year in high school. I wanted to date this girl in middle school but was completely shutdown. However, when I came back different after the summer of our junior year, she wanted to date. I ended up dating another girl and was happy about this at the time,

After three years we broke up and I thought about dating Amber. But before I could ask her out she started dating another guy and now they're married with 3 children. I'm actually very happy for her and can see that it wouldn't have worked out very well.

But she still pops up in my dreams…

ME: Amber, why are you still showing up in my dreams twelve years later?


ME: Regret? Regret that we didn't date?

DREAM OF AMBER: Yes, regret that you never gave it a try, that you wasted your time with that other girl, Susie.

ME: I wouldn't say I wasted my time with her. We had some beautiful experiences together and made some fond memories. We just weren't meant to work out.

DREAM OF AMBER: Well if you hadn't dated her it might have worked out with me.

ME: Maybe, but there is no way to tell that now. Plus I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to.

DREAM OF AMBER: I know so I'll just keep popping up and you can live it out in a dream.

ME: But I don't want to do that.

DREAM OF AMBER: Bill, I'm beautiful and really wanted to date you, I cried when you told me no. You mean to tell me you don't wonder what might have been? If you had just asked me first before Joe or even pursued me in spite of Joe?

ME: In the early days yes I was curious about that, but I've moved on and have a family and kids, and so do you.

DREAM OF AMBER: What does that have to do with the desire. All in all I wanted you, I think you regret not figuring that out and now the only way to close the gap is to see me in your dreams.

ME: You're not listening Amber, I don't want you in my dreams. They bother me and are a distraction.

DREAM OF AMBER: What about the feelings you get when you dream about me? You can't deny those.

ME: It's not about denying, they're just feelings. And, feelings aren't facts. If I allowed my feelings to lead my decisions, I'd probably be dead or in jail.

DREAM OF AMBER: If you don't dream about me then the only connection we share will be lost forever.

ME: I can actually say this in full truth. That would be a good thing. I'm devoted to my wife and kids and you to yours. You're obviously a wonderful mother and I know you love Joe very much.

Let's dispense with the dreams, they're only dreams and move on in our lives. These dreams are only holding us back. I've let go and am good with the fact that we never dated. It was for the best.

DREAM OF AMBER: If that's what you want then ok. We'll move on. It's been fun though and I'll miss popping up a couple of times a month.

ME: I'm glad you agree. Take care.

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