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Porn Doc Is In! —Talking to Your Son About Sex Addiction
Porn Doc Is In! —Talking to Your Son About Sex Addiction
Porn addiction and sex addiction experts from Compulsion Solutions answer pressing questions about porn addiction and sex addiction. We’ll answer your questions too… e-mail Porn Doc.
Dear Porn Doc,
I’ve been in and out of various treatments for my addiction to online pornography and prostitution. My 12-year-old son recently got in trouble for viewing online porn. His mother (we are separated) blames me and I feel tremendously guilty. Would it be harmful to open up to my son and tell him my issues? Some guidance here would be appreciated.
Porn Doc:
There are many layers to your question(s). I’ll start with your description of your attempts at recovery. I’d be curious about your starts and stops—are these because of relapses or not sticking with your recovery plan? Have you had periods of sobriety? You also mention that you are currently separated from your wife. Is this a direct result of your addiction? If you are not in either group or individual counseling, you should be and I do hope that you see this through as the problem does not go away on its own.
Turning now to your question regarding your son. You know from your own history that you likely started quite young in your addiction. The majority of my clients started acting out in this manner during adolescence so your son’s interest in porn at this stage in his life should be something you and your wife should be concerned about. You did not mention whether this is the first and only time he has gotten in trouble or if this has been a recurring theme. Regardless, there is a fine line between a “normal” interest in looking at sexual material and the origins of addictive behavior.
Your son is old enough to be talked to. I do believe that you and your wife need to have a plan on how to best address this with him. Having “the talk” with your son is not a “one time and then it’s done” act—you want to develop an ongoing dialogue with him and get him to feel as comfortable as possible in discussing sexuality with you. Sharing your personal struggles in a general way (you need not go into the gritty details) will be helpful—for both of you.
Dear Porn Doc,
My husband and I both enjoy porn but I am alarmed at what I see in his browser history from time to time. He likes to look at fetish porn like transsexuals, BDSM, and very extreme anal sex sites. When I bring this up to him he gets embarrassed and annoyed and tells me this is not a problem, just something he looks at for “kicks.” Should I be concerned?
Porn Doc:
You are already concerned…do you trust your instincts? Would you like for him not to look at this extreme material and have you shared your feelings about that with him? Many couples enjoy porn with each other but the men who struggle with porn addictions often keep a “secret stash” that they may feel would be too embarrassing or too much to share with their partners…even if their partner is open to watching porn. Addicts keep secrets. Now, if you feel your husband is demonstrating these characteristics, you should initiate a heart-to-heart talk with him and see if he will open up a bit.
You may want to take a look at our one of our online quizzes for porn addiction or sex addiction to get a head start. You both need to set some boundaries and guidelines and if they are crossed or ignored, then you both will know you really do have a problem.
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My husband went from porn to gay porn to chats to cruising and bookstores, to a gay lover. He got an std, told me and is doing an online recovery program. Can I ever trust him or believe he isn't gay? Is this a side affect of porn use? It's hard to look at him as straight anymore. What should I look for in my 17 to 25 year old sons to know if they have fallen into this dreadful trap?