Dear PornDoc,

Q: I have been looking at online porn since I was a young teen. I am now 22 (male) and am growing more and more concerned at what I am looking at. I’m embarrassed to admit it but I am now looking at extreme fetish sites, transsexuals, and gay porn…and I consider myself straight. Is this normal?

A: Your question and concerns are indeed “normal," in the case of the progression of porn addiction. The five stages of porn addiction tend to follow:

1. Early exposure
2. Addiction
3. Escalation
4. Desensitization
5. Acting out sexually

You appear to be in the escalation stage, looking at more and more graphic porn—even things that may have turned you off in the past now seem “interesting.” Think of how you experience other things like food. Perhaps you try a new food and you find it quite pleasing…until you’ve eaten it two weeks steadily. You get bored or no longer get the same rush. When something is new, like the porn you look at, there is a rush of endorphins…but eventually the rush plateaus and in order to recreate the rush you require something new, something perhaps more extreme. You might think of it as climbing the next rung of the ladder.

Online pornography also provides a sort of safety to explore fantasies or interests. It doesn't necessarily mean you will act on these. Straight people do look at gay porn…and gay people look at straight porn. What you want to be careful of here is to check and see if your online porn habit is to the point where it is truly interfering with your life—home, work, relationships, finances, etc. If you have not already done so, I would encourage you to seek out personal counseling in this matter.

Dear PornDoc,

Q: I am an adult woman who routinely seeks out sex with both friends and strangers. I also spend a lot of time looking online for casual hookups and sometimes romance…that usually just turn into one-night stands. I feel I may be a sexual addict but don't see much or anything geared towards women in this matter.  Is this different than a sexual addiction for men?

A: First of all, yes, there are both a lot of women who identify as sex addicts as well as help to make the changes you want to make.  There are differences—and similarities—to male sex addicts. You may want to look at your personal history—family, relationships, and sexual—to examine how long your acting out behavior has been around. Look at how acting out sexually has also allowed you to soothe and numb yourself from pain and conflict. Like men, women sex addicts sexualize feelings…in other words, acting out what they would rather not feel.

An excellent article on the differences between male and female sex addicts speaks to how women tend to use sex for power, control, and attention…also as a way of empowerment against established societal norms. Whether or not this speaks specifically to your situation, if you feel your behavior is out-of-control, out of character, or out of balance, you owe it to yourself to seek help. Finding the right counselor who specializes in this behavior can help you answer your questions more thoroughly.