Porn Doc Is In! Marriage In Crisis, Making Amends

Searching for Porn OnlinePorn addiction and sex addiction experts from Compulsion Solutions answer your most pressing questions. We’ll answer your question too… e-mail Porn Doc.

 

 Dear Porn Doc,

My marriage is in crisis. I have been caught in several extramarital affairs and I am now really (for the first time) examining my behavior. I have often used online pornography as the “lesser of two evils” but now really wonder whether this is somehow tied to my behavior. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

Porn Doc:

Without knowing the complete depth of your behavior—how long, how many, etc.—I can certainly share with you that many people use pornography as a “gateway” drug, so to speak. A metaphor I often use is that looking at porn is sort of like stirring the embers of a campfire, keeping the fire lit so when you are ready to drop a log on the fire, it can ignite. Do you find yourself using porn in this manner?

 

The bigger story here is your extramarital affairs. The first question to look at is how were committed relationships modeled for you when you were a child? Did your father have affairs? Was divorce prominent in your family history? You need to examine your own story about monogamy and look at your own history within a relationship.

 

Secondly, if this is the only relationship you’ve had where you have strayed, you need to really look at what is lacking in your marriage. What do you get out of the affairs that you feel you do not get in your marriage—sex, attention, communication? You can use this time to grow personally and in your marriage by not only looking at the behavior, but the feelings that are, and have always likely been, beneath the acting out.

 

 

Dear Porn Doc,

I am in my recovery process from sex and porn addiction. I would like to really go back to the people I have hurt in my life and make amends. Do you know the right way to do this?

 

Porn Doc:

You are wise to look at this as so many people feel a sense of “duty” to reach out to others they have hurt…often too soon. Before you reach out to others, you need to really examine your real intentions in doing so. Is it to intrigue further? Are your intentions selfish in nature? Can they actually hurt the other person? Does your need to unburden cause a difficulty to the person receiving the news?

 

There are several good resources for you to consider in finding your own right way. As you may already know, making amends is part of the Sex Addicts Anonymous Twelve Step tradition. If you are not already considering 12-step work, please see their website for meeting information. A good article on amends can be found on the Hazelden website.

 

The common message you will notice in your research about amends is that you need to take a close look at your own intentions and objectives and recognize that making an amend is not merely an apology. Having or developing empathy for those we have hurt may mean not reaching out in some cases.

 


Don’t miss this …
George on a Porn Panel with Annie Sprinkle and Lizzy Lipstick talking about how porn promotes objectification and how Compulsion Solutions encourages true intimacy. Read more…

 

2 thoughts on “Porn Doc Is In! Marriage In Crisis, Making Amends

  1. James Gallegos MFT

    HI Dolly,
    Thanks for reaching out to us about this major shift in your life. To answer your question, yes, we have seen many married men act out with other men over a period of time–often unbeknownst to their spouse. Only your husband truly knows if he is gay, bi, or straight…nonetheless he is acting out sexually and you both need to really talk this through and see what you both want out of your marriage. If you are willing to work through this, then we would recommend that your husband see a counselor for individual work first and then the next step would be to move on to couples work. You may feel too that you need someone to talk to you.
    This can be a very scary time for you both but there is also an opportunity to change the foundation of lies that have been underneath the surface for a long time. Please don’t hesitate to call us if you need help with any of this.

    Regards.
    James Gallegos, MFT

  2. Dolly

    My 60 year old husband just confessed he had anonymous sex with men leading to an affair. It started with straight porn escalating to gay porn, to oral at bookstore and led to more and more. It has been going on for the last five years of our 30 year marriage. He is working on recovery of sex addiction and wants to save our marriage. I’ve had only one partner so I don’t have any other relationships to compare this to, but our sex life seemed good. Emotional intimacy has always been a problem. I keep asking him if he thinks he is gay and just denied it for over 50 years. He was very confused at the beginning, but seems clear on being possibly bisexual or heterosexual, not gay. Have you ever heard of this in a sex addiction or is he in denial?

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