Dear Porn Doc,

I am a 40-plus year old man who has struggled with an addiction to pornography. It played a big part in my divorce. I am now in recovery (seeing a counselor and attending SA meetings) and have begun a new serious relationship and I am uncertain as to if I should share my past and if so, how much to share. Any advice?

Porn Doc:
First of all, congratulation to you that you have decided to get professional help for your compulsive sexual behavior. First of all, deciding whether to share and how much information to divulge is a personal decision and there may not be a clear right or wrong answer. There are no rules to follow. The same debate often is the case for new couples talking about their sexual history. What makes sharing an addiction more complex is that it presents a problem that can obviously reappear and adversely affect your new relationship.

We are a highly disclosing culture. We learn early on to not "keep secrets" and to be honest. Hiding your history and not fully sharing your past may invoke a sense of guilt and shame. Withholding information is often frowned upon leaving you feeling like there is no other choice but to share even if you do it reluctantly. You must first really examine your true intentions to disclose, the timing of your disclosure, and understanding your new partner’s need to know the truth (empathy).

1. Your intentions

Why are you choosing to disclose? Is it merely to unburden yourself of guilt or do you truly want to show a deeper commitment to the relationship? Have you taken your new partner’s feelings into consideration? These are just a few questions you should discuss in both your counseling and your SA group to both sort through your feelings and to gather other people’s opinions and experiences.

2. Timing

How far along are you in your recovery? How long have you been sober? How long have you been in your new relationship? These are a few things to consider. It would be best to have some sobriety under your belt as well as a sense that your relationship has the potential for long-term

3. Empathy

Consider how your partner would feel to both get this information versus not getting this information. Keeping secrets sunk your first marriage and if you get a sense that your partner is ready and willing to hear you, then sharing with her makes sense.

Again, do work with your counselor or someone who is experienced in disclosures so that you can best present your best, true self.

Dear Porn Doc,

I find myself looking at more and more severe porn sites. I’m now fascinated with transsexuals and find this confusing as I identify as a straight male. I’m married. I have gone as far as to call some local tranny escorts to make an appointment…but I never show up. Why am I doing this stuff?

Porn Doc:
We could spend quite a bit of time here as you leave a lot to discuss. First, I am assuming you are talking about male-to-female transsexuals who have decided to keep their male genitalia (pre-op). To keep it short, porn and sex addiction has a sort of shelf life—what we find new and interesting becomes “normal” after awhile and we then need to up the ante, sort of speak. For you, transsexuals may represent the newest taboo subject that appeals to your addict.

The popularity of fantasy and fetish sites certainly represents the notion that people who visit porn sites need new and different. Transsexuals also represent a “safe” way to explore homoerotic fantasies as a way to be sexual with a person who identifies as female and has female “parts” but also has male genitals (penis). Regardless, the fact that you are married and acting out sexually with porn and escorts reflects addictive behavior and will likely hurt you and your family. I sincerely hope you decide to seek help in this matter.