Theodore Roosevelt once said, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.” When I look back at my life when I was acting out, when my porn addiction was totally out of control, my life was a soap opera and I was the main character. I was the one creating most of the problems in my life. That might be true of you, too, whether that’s with the struggle of porn or another type of addiction. 

Being able to recognize that things aren't quite right is the beginning of being able to make change. Look at your actions and ask, “What's going on with me? What's going on in my life? Where am I causing issues in my own life?”

Look at your behavior and recognize that it’s causing problems — in your relationship, in your friendships, in your family. Maybe your acting out is creating problems with your sex drive, with your ability to be intimate with your partner. Gaining this kind of self-awareness is important. It’s like waking up and saying, “Okay, wait a second, my actions are creating a lot of problems.” Then you can go to the next step, whether that’s seeking porn addiction therapy or support, or simply talking about your issues with someone close.

Awareness is great. Fantastic, actually. It's really good. Because now you can begin to look at why. If I know that I'm the main character in my soap opera, if I'm aware of that, if I'm able to look at that and go, “Okay, I am the main character,” then I can start to see the actions I need to take. I can begin to ask, “What do I need to change in my life, to bring myself to a deeper understanding?”

So, your first step is gaining self-awareness. Once you can recognize, “Okay, there's an issue here, I’m the main character in my soap opera,” then you can start to look at how the script is getting written. Why are you feeling what you’re feeling? Why are you feeling the urge to act out? Where's it coming from? That’s self-awareness. 

When you begin to look, you’ll probably start to discover layers of feelings, of triggers. You might first find boredom, or being tired, or stressed. Keep watching. Keep looking. Once you begin to watch what’s happening, you’ll be much less likely to go on autopilot. You won’t just automatically start acting out. You’ll have a chance to see your triggers. Then they won’t be as much of a driving force behind your addictive behavior. So, anytime you get an urge, your first response can be, “Okay, why am I feeling this way?” 

Beginning to recognize that you’re the main character in your soap opera doesn’t mean you need to start feeling a lot of shame or blame. Shame and guilt have never really done anything for anybody. They don’t serve, especially not toxic shame. 

The companion to really recognizing what’s happening is self-acceptance — accepting where you’re at with the intention of changing. Okay, so say you’re starting to have self-awareness about who you are, where you are at this moment. Not who you want to be. You understand you want to improve, but it’s also vital to hold kindness for who you are right now. That might not be an easy thing to do. But you’re not your addiction. It does not define you. I like to say things like, “I struggle with addiction,” or, “I've struggled with addiction.” It doesn’t have to be a label — it's a starting point. Self-acceptance is tied to self-worth. Self-acceptance is accepting where you are, with the intention of improving who you are. 

So, you can have this starting point where you recognize you’re the instigator of much of the drama and trouble in your life, because of compulsive behavior, because of the addictive behavior. You can name it and put it out there. Then you can bring in the acceptance piece. 

Know you are basically a good person. The fact that you’ve become aware of what you’re doing is a confirming sign. You are good, man. Have you struggled with things? Yes. Have you made some mistakes? Absolutely. You have. Are some of those mistakes terrible? Probably. Yeah. Are you remorseful for those mistakes? Yes. Are you trying to remedy and correct yourself, so you don't continue those mistakes? Absolutely. Good. 

Know that you're going to have overwhelming moments of frustration and irritation. You're going to feel like quitting. But you’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other. Self-acceptance is understanding that you're good, man. So even though you (like everyone else) are the main character in your soap opera, you can have this understanding and think, “Man, I see this. Yeah, it's crazy.” That awareness is so good. It's a good thing. The next step is the self-acceptance of saying, “Okay, I’m seeing all this drama in my life, but I’m taking the steps to change that. I'm taking steps to make that happen.” This can make a big difference in your battle with porn addiction.

Your mistakes do not define you, it’s what you're doing now, right now, that defines you — what you're doing today. When you wake up in the morning. endeavor to make this day the best day you can make it. Endeavor to be the best version of yourself. If you're not perfect at that, it's okay. You won’t be perfect! It does not mean that you're a bad person. Don't get angry with yourself. Don't get overwhelmed. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Yes, I'm frustrated. I may be disappointed. But I'm working hard to be the best version of me.” As long as you do that every day, you’ll get to where you need to be. Connect with Compulsion Solutions today to learn more about porn addiction help and support.