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I've been married for several years and thought my husband had lost his libido just from getting older. After all, he was 48 year old when we got married. Before the wedding we had sex regularly, but afterwards it almost disappeared. Even when we first were together he was never all that sexually assertive, so when I discovered porn on his cell phone I was both stunned and frankly a little happy to discover that he seemed to have a libido after all.
It wasn't until a few days after I discovered the porn, when I looked at his sent emails that I discovered the apparent double life my husband was leading. He was sending emails to various women, mostly prostitutes. When I discovered this, I just felt my heart pounding out of my chest. I was completely shocked.
I confronted him with all that I'd discovered. I remember saying to him that it seemed like he had two boxes — one for sex and one for love and that for some reason he did not have sex and love in the same box. I never doubted that he loved me but I didn't know exactly how to articulate all my thoughts or emotions. I told him how lucky he was to be with me, that he really hit the lotto when he married me.
At that point, I didn't realize that he had a sex addiction problem, nor did I even know what sex addiction was all about until about six weeks after my initial discovery of the porn on his cell phone. I was listening to a program on the radio and George Collins was being interviewed. Almost immediately from the beginning of this radio interview I realized that what George Collins was describing was exactly what was going on with my husband. I called George Collins' office as soon as I returned home and he called me back within a very short period of time.
I know many people would automatically want to get out of their relationship after discovering this kind of problem because of how painful it is. And it has been really painful for me. But I always work on turning the negative into a positive, so I knew I didn't want to run out of the relationship so fast. I've come to see that if you learn about this problem (as I decided to do) and start with compassion for yourself and your hurt feelings, then you can start to find some compassion for your husband’s struggle. This compassion for yourself first can be some of the best medicine. Of course, your partner has to be willing to admit that he has a problem and to get some help for it.
As I've watched my husband receive support and begin to work with his addictive behaviors, I now feel like our relationship really has a chance. In fact, I see that we have the possibility to have a much closer relationship than we ever did. And, guess what. Sex has come back into our relationship. Finally there is some sex in this city.
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