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If you look at any newsstand or magazine rack, you'll see headlines declaring that you're not having enough sex. Overlooking the fact that the magazine doesn't know you from the next guy, these stories are very good at grabbing your attention.
Some men that come to me for sex addiction therapy seem to have a sense of entitlement. They believe that they need sex three or four times a week in order to be “happy.” And I tell them it's important that we take some time to explore where an unhealthy idea like that came from.
If we round up the usual suspects, we would be looking at the following...
Men who watch porn excessively, or men with true sex and porn addictions, can have an extremely difficult time metering their expectations of what sex ought to be like. Since so much porn is made by men, for men, the emphasis behind these video clips is merely “getting off.” There is no thought whatsoever given to what their partner may enjoy, how a real woman might react to this scene playing out in an actual bedroom, or who the partner even is.
Taking this mindset out into the world and trying to apply it to one's own sex life is bound to leave men feeling unsatisfied, frustrated, and empty. So in a sense, they keep wanting more sex, because the sex they are having is not measuring up to what they see in porn. There is no intimacy in porn, so there is no intimacy in the life of someone gripped by porn addictions. You can't get enough of what won't satisfy you.
With bold letters screaming “How To Get More Sex,” “Hotter Sex Tonight,” or “Are You Having Enough Sex,” it's hard to ignore the way the media approaches sex in our society. It's something you are supposed to go out and “get,” and regularly at that. At least according to the magazines you see while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store.
But I want you to think about the other things you see in the same space: candy, toys, overpriced soda – impulse items. That's exactly what these magazine headlines boil down to. They are using highly emotionally charged headlines attacking your sexual prowess in the hopes that you'll feel insecure for a moment and pay the $5 they're asking for their publication.
Or perhaps a news story on TV that's making you feel this way. They're hoping you'll tune in to find out what's “wrong” with you. Same for clickable headlines online. It's all about selling you an idea. The problem for many men, whether they need sex addiction therapy or not, is that sex can be a very powerful idea.
The foundation of your understandings of sex and intimacy begins when you are a child. If you were brought up in a family where your parents didn't display a positive, loving, and mutually respectful relationship with one another, you may have a very hard time doing that when you are older.
We live in reaction to our history – positive or negative. Those who came up in households or around other role models who placed the idea of sex over the concept of fulfilling intimacy are unlikely to approach their partners with understanding or respect. The partner may seem like she is there for you to use and not for you to connect with.
One of the things I try to educate my clients on is the concept of mutuality. An intimate sexual experience should be mutually pleasurable and enjoyable.
As a result of porn or sex addictions, the majority of the men I work with simply do not understand what a woman wants.
This leads to a lack of quality in their sex lives because nothing they do has any deeper meaning. Much like the people in the porn probably don't care about each other all that much, an addict might take that attitude into every sexual encounter he has. So why does the addict always seem to want more sex? Perhaps it's because the sex he's having isn't good for him or their partner.
So what is this whole idea of “enough” sex, anyway? If the magazines are wrong, and porn is wrong, and your role models were wrong, who's left to turn to?
The answer is each other. The only way to know what constitutes enough sex in your relationship is to sit down with your partner and discuss it. You might start out with something like “I love you, and I want to know what would feel good to you.”
Listen to what she has to say and incorporate her wants and needs into your intimacy. Let the sex fulfill you both. Let it be fun, romantic, and meaningful.
When you do, something amazing will happen. You will finally feel like you are getting enough sex.
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