Compulsive Behavior in Women: How You Might be Impeding Your Own Progress

You’re probably not going to like what I have to tell you, but I’m asking that you hear it nonetheless. So, here it is: Even though you are in therapy to help cope with being a sex addict partner, you may have developed compulsive behaviors of your own, and those behaviors may be holding you back from making meaningful progress. …

Women’s Wisdom – Make Your Holidays Manageable

If I were to ask you the question: “Are you taking care of yourself during the holidays?” I’m sure I’d get a mixed bag of responses. During this time of year, we are all very busy, stressed, and pressed for time. It seems like self-care is the last thing on many women’s lists. Today, I want my message to be …

Women’s Wisdom: Resentment Is Part Of The Healing Process, But Only Part

Resentment is often regarded as a negative emotion to be avoided, much like jealousy. However, as partners of sex addicts, resentment is often a huge part of what you are feeling. There is honesty in resentment. The feeling is very real and is something to be faced head-on in order to progress. Think of it this way: you connected with …

Women’s Wisdom: How to Ask for Help

To define what I mean when I say “women’s wisdom,” I would have to say this: there’s a sort of sixth sense women have about their own lives — an internal truth that you can hear when you pay attention. The problem is that many of us have trouble accessing this wisdom, because we get tangled up in all the …

Beginning Couple’s Therapy for Sex Addiction: Here’s What You’re In For

  When a sex or porn addiction first comes to light in a relationship, everything feels chaotic. Perhaps your partner was caught in their behavior and is reluctant to admit any wrongdoing. Perhaps they confessed their behavior when either guilt or self-doubt became too unbearable. Either way, your relationship has been shattered, and you are going to need lots of …

When The Person Saying “I Told You So,” Is You

  This is a message to the woman who got involved with someone she thought she could change.   Maybe you met him while he was still involved in another relationship. Perhaps he was a drinker, a gambler, a sex addict, or an abuser. Maybe you knew someone else who was involved with him in the past, and had heard …

Self Forgiveness Means Accepting Our Own Humanity

  To much of the outside world, a relationship that falls apart due to a sex or porn addiction has a very clear bad guy. Everything that happened was due to the destructive behavior on the part of the addict, while their partner is totally innocent. Seems obvious, right?   Unless you’re looking at the issue from inside the relationship — …

Acknowledging His Suffering Isn’t the Same As Letting Him Off the Hook

When working with the heartbroken partners of sex and porn addicts, at a certain point, they tend to come to the realization that their partner is suffering too. It’s not at all uncommon (or unhealthy) for their first thought to be “Well, good!”   I work with women whose worlds have been rocked by the discovery of unfaithfulness. Whether this …

Coping With Your First Holiday Alone

  Despite everyone’s best efforts, it is a hard fact of life that some relationships simply can’t survive a sex or porn addiction. Even after second chances, extensive counseling and a real commitment to making it work, sometimes one partner’s addiction is simply too much for the relationship to bear – and it ends. Very few women are able to …

Standing on the Precipice – Ending a Relationship During the Holidays

It’s a hard fact of relationship counseling that the ideal outcome isn’t always “and they lived happily ever after.” Unfortunately, this can be especially true if sex or porn addiction is a factor when the addicted partner is not able to make the necessary changes. Sometimes, the best thing for a couple to do is go their separate ways, for …

How Dealing With a Partner’s Addiction Changes You

  We talk a lot about the healing process that women undergo in order to cope with their partner’s addiction. However, there’s one thing I haven’t mentioned yet, and that’s the fact that this journey you’re on will change you.   There is so much to process and take in, so many feelings and questions to parse out, and it’s …

Learning to Value Yourself Despite a Partner’s Sex Addiction

My first task in working with the partners of sex addicts is to address three major emotions they are grappling with: shock, blame and hurt. Each of these emotions has the ability to shake you to your foundations, and we must work through them early on in the healing process.   A betrayal tears apart everything you believe in. When …

Integrity: Your Work Isn’t Done Yet

This is the third and final part in my series on resilience.   I’ve taken you through the steps of incorporating self-care into your life, and also reminded you of the emotional tools you already have in your toolbox.   Part One: Caring For Yourself When You Love An Addict Part Two: Power Regained: Working Your Way Through Your Partner’s …

Power Regained —Working Your Way Through Your Partner’s Betrayal

This is the second blog in a series on resilience. In the first installment, I spoke about the importance of self care, and why it’s such a difficult concept for many betrayed women to comprehend. What I’d like to talk about now is what happens after you learn to prioritize your own needs. How do you continue to progress towards …

Caring For Yourself When You Love An Addict

This is the first in a series of blog posts on resilience. As a therapist, I see resilience as the hallmark of mental health. The journey towards resilience is at the heart of my practice. Resilience is the quality that is developed and honed in the face of stress.   The truth is none of us get out of this …

Yes, Female Porn Addicts Exist (And They May Have it Worse Than Male Addicts)

Addiction to porn is often considered something that only affects men. This thinking could be the result of several different scenarios. Perhaps it’s society’s fault for continually reinforcing the idea that women are meant to be sexualized, but not sexual. Or perhaps the media tends to assign addictions to the genders — sex for men, shopping for women. However, I …

After Your Partner’s Disclosure — Navigating Your Emotions

Disclosure, the process in which your sexually addicted partner lists out every way they abused the trust of the relationship, is an incredibly emotional process. In and amongst all the hurt, betrayal, and even numbness you may be feeling after hearing your partner’s disclosure, there lurks another, wholly unexpected emotion: a strange sense of power. In going through the disclosure …

Codependence: What It Looks Like, And Why It’s Dangerous

On the surface the word “codependence” seems like it might mean something pleasant, or at least benign – like two people depending on each other. However, if that’s its meaning, then why are so many women’s magazines featuring it in dire headlines, or offering you dozens of quizzes to discover if you might be in a codependent relationship?   There’s …