After the first shock, the questions tend to change.

How long is this going to last? Am I ever going to feel normal again? Is there some process I am supposed to be following? And often, underneath all of those questions: Can this relationship actually be repaired, or is it time to leave?

I wish there were a reliable timetable for betrayal trauma recovery. There isn't.

What I can offer is what I learned working with wives and partners of sexually compulsive men, what I wrote about years ago in A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction, and what I have learned in my own life about meeting feelings we would much rather not have. If you want to understand what betrayal trauma is first, start there.

If you are in immediate danger, or are thinking about ending your life, please reach out for help now. In the United States, call or text 988. If you are in danger at home, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

How long does betrayal trauma last?

There is no reliable number.

One 2006 study surveyed wives of sex addicts on average less than two years after they learned of the behavior, and most were still in significant trauma-related distress. But it was a snapshot of where those women were, not a clock, and it did not establish a timetable for recovery from betrayal trauma.

So I would be wary of anyone who tells you that betrayal trauma lasts six months, eighteen months, two years, or any other particular amount of time.

Your feelings have their own timing.

In the Couple's Guide I wrote that you do not need to rush to get over betrayal. I still believe that. Grief especially has a way of returning. A feeling that comes back does not mean that you have failed or that you are back where you started.

And there is another obvious but important factor: it is difficult to recover from something that is still happening.

If your partner continues the sexually compulsive behavior, continues lying about it, or insists that there really is no problem, the conditions that broke trust are still present.

The stages of betrayal trauma

There is no accepted set of stages that everyone moves through.

You will find four-stage models, five-stage models, six-stage models and seven-stage models. They may be useful as descriptions, but they should not become another standard you have to live up to.

Human beings are not that orderly.

You may feel better for weeks and suddenly find yourself furious again. You may feel enormous grief one day and strangely peaceful the next.

The important question is not, What stage am I in? It is, What is happening in me right now?

How to heal from betrayal trauma

Healing is not a matter of making the painful feelings disappear.

For most of us, the instinctive response to pain is to get away from it. We fight, flee, freeze, distract ourselves or try to make someone else stop making us feel what we feel.

But anger, fear and pain cannot simply be banished.

What can change is your relationship to them.

Get safe first

There is an important distinction between emotional discomfort and actual danger.

If you or your children are in danger, deal with the danger. This is not the moment to use a spiritual practice to become more accepting of something unsafe.

If there has been violence, threats, coercion or controlling behavior, seek appropriate help and make decisions about leaving with safety in mind. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, and its advocates can help you make a safety plan.

Stop fighting the feelings

The first step can be very small: notice what you are feeling. Anger. Fear. Hurt. Grief.

You do not have to approve of the feeling, get rid of it, analyze it or act from it.

Just recognize that it is there.

We often make the feeling worse by immediately attaching a story to it: I will never be able to trust anyone again. My life is ruined. I was a fool. He has destroyed everything.

The story may contain truths that need to be faced. But first there is the immediate experience of hurt or fear or anger.

You can learn to bear that.

This does not mean becoming passive. A feeling can give you important information. It simply does not have to dictate your next action.

If the feelings overwhelm you, or you begin to lose time or feel unreal, stop, and get help from a counselor or therapist.

Tell yourself the truth

Betrayal often damages your trust in your own perception.

That is why telling yourself the truth becomes so important.

If he is continuing to act out, admit that.

If he is lying, admit that.

If you know that what is happening is unacceptable to you, admit that.

And if he really is changing, if the behavior has stopped and you are beginning to see honesty where there was secrecy, allow yourself to see that too.

Trusting yourself again does not mean always knowing what to do. It means becoming willing to see what is actually in front of you.

Compassion is not condoning

At some point you may begin to see that your partner is suffering too.

That can be irritating when you are the one who has been betrayed.

But compassion does not mean making his behavior acceptable.

I wrote something in the Couple's Guide that I still find important: what he has done may be unacceptable without making him, as a human being, unacceptable.

Those are different things.

Understanding the pain, shame or old patterns that have helped drive his behavior does not take away his responsibility for changing it.

Compassion without responsibility becomes enabling. Responsibility without compassion can turn into punishment.

Neither one creates intimacy.

There is more on this in Acknowledging His Suffering Isn't the Same As Letting Him Off the Hook.

Do not carry this alone

Sexual betrayal can be terribly isolating. While you are overcoming betrayal trauma, find at least one place where you can tell the truth.

That might be a close friend, a counselor, a therapist, a clergy person or a support group.

You do not need a room full of people giving you advice. You need somewhere you do not have to pretend that everything is fine.

Betrayal trauma in the body: caring for yourself

Your body is part of this process. The physical symptoms of betrayal trauma are described on the page about what betrayal trauma is.

Try to eat. Try to sleep. Move your body if that feels helpful. Give yourself periods when you are not talking or thinking about the relationship.

If you are unable to eat or sleep adequately for days, or your physical symptoms are severe, talk with your healthcare provider.

Taking care of your body is not avoiding the problem. It gives you more capacity to meet it.

Can a relationship survive betrayal trauma?

Yes, some relationships do.

George and I have also seen relationships emerge from this crisis with a level of intimacy that had not existed before.

But that possibility has conditions.

The sexually compulsive behavior has to be addressed first. In the Couple's Guide I described destructive compulsive behavior as something that tends to take up all the air space. While it continues, there is very little room to work on the subtler dynamics between two people.

His acting out is his responsibility. That needs to remain very clear.

Once he has recognized the problem and is actively working to stop the behavior, however, the couple can begin to look at something larger: What has been happening between us?

Every relationship is a dance. Both people bring their history, their defenses, their longings and their blind spots into it.

Looking at those dynamics does not mean that both people caused the sexual acting out. They did not.

It means that if you are going to create a more intimate relationship, both of you eventually have work to do.

If he does his work

Trust does not return because he says, "You can trust me now."

It grows through experience.

He tells the truth. Later you discover that what he told you was true. Then he does it again. And again.

Little by little, the relationship begins to have a different history.

This is what I mean by undefended honesty. It is not simply confessing past behavior. It is becoming increasingly willing to reveal what is actually happening inside you without automatically hiding, blaming or defending.

And you should not have to spend your life monitoring him in order for this to happen. His recovery requires him to develop his own capacity to notice and take responsibility for his behavior.

If you are both trying to rebuild, these three ways to begin rebuilding trust may also be useful.

In the Couple's Guide, I retold an old story about a treasured china cup that falls and breaks. After it is carefully repaired, the lines where the pieces have been joined are still visible.

It is not the same cup.

That is the point.

A relationship that has gone through this kind of betrayal does not have to pretend that nothing happened. The repair becomes part of its history. With enough honesty and care, it can even become part of its strength.

If he does not

There is another possibility, and it needs to be said plainly.

If your partner continues destructive sexual behavior and does not genuinely want to change it, there is no solid basis on which to rebuild trust.

I was quite direct about this in the Couple's Guide: if the destructive behavior continues, the relationship should not continue.

That does not mean leaving is simple.

You may love him. You may have children together, a home, finances, decades of history. You may desperately want the relationship to work.

Seeing that something cannot continue can take time.

If he has been controlling, threatening or violent, talk to an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) before you leave. They can help you plan for your safety.

Trust yourself enough to see what is actually happening rather than what you desperately hope will happen.

Betrayal trauma support

You do not have to do this alone. If you are looking for a betrayal trauma support group, start with these:

• S-Anon offers support for people affected by someone else's sexual behavior.
• COSA offers Twelve Step recovery for people whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior.

Compulsion Solutions also maintains a longer list of Twelve Step groups, including support for couples.

Professional counseling can also be helpful, whether or not your partner agrees to go. If you seek a therapist, look for someone who understands both the impact of sexual betrayal and the dynamics of compulsive sexual behavior.

Books on betrayal trauma

• Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren't Being Fooled, by Jennifer J. Freyd and Pamela J. Birrell (Wiley, 2013). Freyd introduced the idea of betrayal trauma; this book is about betrayal blindness, the not-knowing that Freyd says can extend to adultery.
• Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means (New Horizon Press, 2009). Steffens is the lead author of the 2006 study discussed on this page.
• A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy, by Paldrom Collins and George N. Collins (Adams Media). It is written specifically for couples who have decided, at least for now, to stay together and see whether trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.

Helping him find his way to help

Your healing does not have to wait for his.

But if he recognizes the problem and wants help, give him somewhere to start.

George has spent many years working with men caught in sexually compulsive behavior. Compulsion Solutions works with men wherever they live.

You can give him the free chapter of Breaking the Cycle or send him to Get Help Now.

Then let him decide what he is going to do.

That decision is his.

Paldrom Catharine Collins is the co-author, with George Collins, of A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy (Adams Media). A former Tibetan Buddhist nun, she writes about spiritual longing, devotion and finding refuge in ordinary life. In retreat she tried, and in time stopped trying, to sleep sitting cross-legged in a three-foot-square meditation box. Her memoir is Girl in a Box (Monkfish, 2026). More at paldrom.com.

This page is not a diagnosis and it is not medical advice.

Sources

• Steffens, B. A., & Rennie, R. L. (2006). The traumatic nature of disclosure for wives of sexual addicts. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13, 247–267.
• Freyd, J. J. What is a Betrayal Trauma? What is Betrayal Trauma Theory? University of Oregon.
• Freyd, J. J., & Birrell, P. J. (2013). Blind to Betrayal. John Wiley & Sons.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Plan for Safety.